jason masksAhh, coming up on the Fall. The best part of the fall season? The Raiders starting their season, while the Dodgers approach the playofs. The second best part? Friday the 13th marathons on cable. They haven’t officially started, but I know they will. For someone that hadn’t seen any of them until about 4 years ago, I’ve become a major fan. I’ve seen all 11, and all 7 Nightmare on Elm Street movies. It’s only 17 movies total, because Freddy vs. Jason counts for both. Maybe it should just be 10.5 Jason flicks, and 6.5 Freddy ones. At any rate, they always seem to show a TON of them around Halloween, and I guess they’re starting early this year. I was able to catch Part VI the other night on the Starz Action Channel, followed by Part V on Skinemax. I have a few not-so-quick thoughts on the series, though:

1) After how many murders would people decide to stop going to Camp Crystal Lake? Seriously- after about 5 or 6, I think I’d find somewhere else to take my vacations. And the town that it’s in is pretty small- it seems to me that everyone there should be dead at this point.

2) Is the Tommy character the biggest waste of a storyline in movie history? It started off shitty enough with Corey Feldman as a kid, but that one led to a kind of cool ending where it seemed as if the kid was going to go crazy and take over killing everyone. Then Tommy reappears a few movies later as a teenager in the loony bin, but Jason doesn’t even kill anyone in that movie- it’s just some dude dressed as Jason doing the killing, until the end when Tommy snaps and kills some broad. Then Tommy is normal in the next one, but his dumb ass digs up Jason’s body, which leads to a string of murders (big surprise there). I have to root for Jason to kick his ass whenever thsoe two go at it.

3) For a horror movie series with 11 movies and one of the biggest characters in horror film history, isn’t it shitty that in two of the movies, Jason doesn’t even appear (except in a dream), and in another he keeps possessing bodies so that he doesn’t wear the hockey mask?

4) In the movie mentioned above where some dude just dresses as Jason and kills people (Part V), how does he have the superhuman strength and resiliency that Jason has? Does just putting on a Jason costume make you a badass? And how does someone just dressed as Jason tally one of the highest body counts in the series (22)? Shouldn’t the real Jason be embarrased that someone almost beat him at his own game?

5) The Jason appearance on Arsenio is second only to the Eazy-E in a bathrobe “Real Compton City G’s” appearance. It even beats out Bubba with the sax and Dice talking shit about Star because she wouldn’t be on the show at the same time as him.

6) Tracey Savage, formerly of Channel 4 news in LA shows her tits in Part II or III. I can’t remember which one it is, but I do remember what her titties look like. Every time I see her on TV or hear her on the radio (I think she’s on KNX now) that’s all I can think of.

7) Did these movies create the teen slasher format of: Jackass teenage boy bangs hot teenage girl (who shows tits, so she’s not really a teenager, just playing one), followed by movie monster killing both in a gruesome way? Repeat.

8) Is it fucked up that the Land of Make Believe on Mr. Rogers Neighborhood was ruled by King Friday the Thirteenth? Maybe he should have killed Daniel- damn that puppet was annoying. And he should have taken out Henrietta Pussycat while he was at it. That would have been a lot better to watch.

9) Is Freddy’s claw grabbing Jason’s mask at the end of Part IX a huge cocktease or what? It took them 11 YEARS to finally release a movie where those two both appear.

10) How pathetic am I that I wrote essentially an entire essay on some of the worst movies of all time? At one point Siskel and Ebert did all time ten best and ten worst lists- on Siskel’s list for worst movies were the 6 Friday the 13th movies that had been made, and four of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. They really are that bad. But I love them nonetheless. I think Earl Skakel would be proud of this post.

My ranking of the Jason movies, from best to worst, with my rating on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being best:

Friday the Thirteenth Part II: 7

Friday the Thirteenth Part I: 6

Freddy vs. Jason (Part XI): 6

Friday the Thirteenth Part VIII, Jason Takes Manhattan: 5

Friday the Thirteenth Part III: 5

Friday the Thirteenth Part VII, The New Blood: 3

Friday the Thirteenth Part VI, Jason Lives: 3

Jason X: 2

Friday the Thirteenth Part IV, The Final Chapter: 1

Friday the Thirteenth Part V, A New Beginning: 0

Jason Goes to Hell, The Final Friday (Part IX): -10000000000 (It really is that bad- ranks right there with Strangeland and Crooklyn for worst movie all time)

Now go check out the best part of the Friday the 13th website- the body count for each flick.

And here’s a cool timeline that links to recaps of all the movies.