2011 was a good year for movies. Sure, attendance at theaters was down, but I saw more movies in 2011 than I’ve ever seen before. I wrote reviews of many of them on my website, which was largely because I like writing mean things about celebrities I find annoying. It also gave me an opportunity to publicly blame Stephen Glickman for dragging me to bad movies.

After seeing so many movies last year, I decided to put together my own awards for films released in 2011. It was suggested that I allow my readers to vote on these, but to that I said no- some of you willingly bought tickets to see New Year’s Eve and were happy with that decision, so you can’t be trusted.

To be eligible for the these awards, a movie must have come out in 2011, and I must have seen it. So while I’m sure I could have given Justin Bieber some sort of demeaning award, I didn’t see her movie. If you think another movie should have been nominated for one of these awards, I probably didn’t see it. Either that, or you’re wrong.

Without further ado, I now present the 1st Annual Matty Awards, recognizing achievements and failures in movie making in categories that I care about.

Best Effects
Special effects can make or break a movie- some movies are really nothing more than special effects with a few words being spoken on top of them.

  • Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark– the creatures wre really cool. They were so cool, in fact, that I was rooting for them to eat the girl.
  • Fright Night– the visuals were great, and fit nicely with the tongue in cheek nature of the rest of the film.
  • The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence– it was dark, gritty, and gruesome. There’s a lot of talk about the Artist being in Black and White this year, but the best use of Black and White I saw was in this movie.
  • Troll Hunter– The trolls are some of the best looking CGI work I’ve ever seen. All done with a budget that pales in comparison to Hollywood fare.

The winner is…

Troll Hunter. Fantastic giant creatures in visually stunning environments.

Worst Effects
These movies were based around the idea that audiences will show up to see fantastic special effects. Unfortunately, they looked like the special effects equivalent of Kirsten Dunst’s teeth- misshapen, craggy, and ugly.

  • Cowboys and Aliens– I’m not sure where this movie went wrong, but it did, and having special effects that weren’t even as good as the original version of the TV series V from the 80s is where I’ll place the blame.
  • Green Lantern– the effects on Earth were bad enough, but when the space based effects were also terrible, it locked up a spot in this category.
  • Jack and Jill– I suppose Adam Sandler wasn’t supposed to *really* look like a woman in this movie. But Was Al Pacino supposed to?
  • Transformers 3– the movie was a mess, but I would have been willing to put up with it if it was at least fun to watch. Unfortunately, I could take some of my old Jr. High toys and a webcam and make a better looking Transformers movie.

The winner (or is that loser?) is…

Transformers 3. This was one ugly effects-laden movie.

Biggest Disappointment
I had at least moderately high hopes for these movies, and was let down. OK, in the case of a few of them, I expected them to be bad, but they were so bad that I was still disappointed.

  • Cowboys and Aliens– I really wanted to like this movie. I was looking forward to it for months, and when I finally saw it, it was a huge letdown.
  • Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark– this movie didn’t have a lot of hype, but the commercial looked really creepy. Sadly, the film itself was anything but.
  • Green Lantern– I expected Green Lantern to be bad. But not so bad that I would actually try to fall asleep during it. Sadly, I failed.
  • Hesher– I knew nothing about this going in except that it had a well regarded cast, and promised a good soundtrack. The soundtrack lived up to my expectations. The rest of it didn’t. In fact, I was actually angry after seeing it. To the producers of Hesher I say this- STOP TRYING TO WIN AN INDEPENDENT SPIRIT AWARD AND JUST MAKE A GOOD MOVIE.
  • Transformers 3– I really enjoyed the first transformers. I skipped the second. I expected this to just be cool looking robot fights and a hot chick. It had a hot chick. But that’s it.

The winner is…

Cowboys and Aliens. Months of hype and no payoff. How did so many talented people make such a boring film?

Hottest Chick
There were many beautiful women in films this year, and in some cases they were the only redeeming quality (i.e. Transformers 3).  It was tough to leave Sandra Vergara, Paula Patton, and Imogen Poots off this list, but here are my favorites.

  • Jennifer Aniston- Horrible Bosses– if you had asked me last year at this time if I though Jennifer Aniston was sexy, I would have said no. Pretty, yes, but sexy, no. This movie completely changed my mind- she looks AMAZING in it.
  • Rosie Huntington-Whiteley- Transformers 3– I’m not sure if she’s more beautiful than Megan Fox, but they’re both stunning. She is a worse actress, and that’s saying quite a bit.
  • January Jones- X-Men: First Class– she made this movie better whenever she was on screen.
  • Minka Kelly- The Roommate– she’s a stunner. Why she wastes her time with Derek Jeter, I have no idea.
  • Blake Lively- Green Lantern– I find her extremely irritating in almost everything…but she is damn good looking.
  • Emily Montague- Fright Night– she has a small role in this movie, but she stands out as the hottest of the hot.
  • Nicky Whelan- Hall Pass– her boobs were the only thing worth seeing in this mess of a movie.

The winner is…

Jennifer Aniston. I never would have expected that I would ever say she was the hottest woman in film, but her character in Horrible Bosses was incredible.

Hottest Chick in a Movie That I Didn’t See
There are many beautiful women in movies I didn’t see, and why shouldn’t they get some recognition as well?

  • Anna Faris- What’s Your Number?– All I know is that I’d like to add a +1 to her number.
  • Mila Kunis- Friends With Benefits– The Justin Timberlake factor kept me away (along with the fact that I got dragged to No Strings Attached earlier in the year which seems like the exact same movie). I still can’t believe she dated Macaulay Culkin for well over a decade.
  • Rooney Mara- The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo– I’ll watch this eventually, and in the commercials she looks like a Suicide Girl in a  big budget picture.
  • Zoe Saldana- Colombiana– Neytiri will probably be on the hot chicks in movies I didn’t see list until Avatar 2 comes out.
  • Amanda Seyfried- In Time– I refuse to watch a movie that doesn’t aknowledge the short story it’s based on, especially if it’s got Justin Timberlake in it to boot.

The winner is…

Zoe Saldana. This is no surprise to anyone that has seen my Avatar bit.

Stay Tuned…
This ends part 1 of the Matty Awards. Coming soon will be Part 2, with the awards for Creepiest Guy, Most Annoying Woman, Guy I Most Want to Punch in the Face, and Guy I Most Want to Have a Beer With. Later this week will be Part 3 with Worst Career Decision, Best Foreign Film, Best Movie, and Worst Movie.