Welcome back to the Matty Awards, honoring excellence and crapitude in the world of film. If you haven’t read Parts 1 and 2, go read them and you can find out the eligibility requirements and see who won Hottest Chick and Guy I Most Want to Punch in the Face. Now, it’s time for the finale to the Matty Awards…

Worst Career Decision
Every year many actors end up in movies that make you wonder what they were thinking when they agreed to appear in them. Perhaps they can’t read, and were unable to understand what the script said. Perhaps they needed the money to pay off an outstanding cocaine debt. Perhaps they were threatened with being forced to listen to Justin Bieber if they didn’t agree to do the film. Whatever the reason, these mistakes stand out as being the worst career decisions of 2011.

  • Jessica Biel- New Year’s Eve– everyone in this movie was making a mistake, but Jessica Biel was once one of the hottest women on the planet. In this film she plays a woman that is very pregnant- farting, throwing up, and basically being the least desirable woman I’ve ever seen. Any man that sees her in this movie will never fantasize about her again.
  • Johnny Depp- Jack and Jill– sure he’s only in the movie for 20 seconds, but it’s one of the worst movies of the year, and HE WAS WEARING A JUSTIN BIEBER T-SHIRT IN IT! Bad decision.
  • Harrison Ford- Cowboys and Aliens– I suppose that after the Crystal Skull fiasco, Harrison Ford lost all credibility with movie fans, but I still held out hope that Han Solo would redeem himself. This seemed like the perfect opportunity for him to do so. Sadly, it didn’t turn out that way. 
  • Alyssa Milano- New Year’s Eve– this movie had a ton of big stars in it, and any of them could be on this list. But she stands out because she doesn’t show up until about 5 minutes before it’s over, and her part was completely unnecessary. Her role in this film was basically that of an extra that was given a line because she slept with the producer. Who’s the boss of her career?
  • Al Pacino- Jack and Jill– why Michael Corleone would agree to pretend to be attracted to Adam Sandler in drag is beyond me. It saddened me to watch the star of Scarface, Heat, and Dog Day Afternoon in this mess. This was even worse than Simone, which was a bad idea for him a decade ago. 
  • Cristina Ricci- Bucky Larson– she’s been in many great movies, and we’ve seen her go from a child actress in The Addams Family to a glamorous movie star that normally appears in arthouse fare. I can’t understand why she agreed to be in a movie playing the love interest for a simpleton with the world’s smallest penis who is best known for premature ejaculation on film. I can understand why all the comedians in this movie agreed to do it- we’ll take anything. But she’s a bona fide movie star. She should fire her agent for letting her make this appearance.

The winner is…

Al Pacino. I nearly went with Cristina Ricci because she had to kiss Nick Swardson, but Al Pacino had to kiss Adam Sandler. Both are cringe worthy, but I’ll go with the man on man kiss as being slightly worse.

Best Foreign Film
I didn’t see many foreign films this year, so I’m including two on this list that might not qualify under rules of the Motion Picture Academy, but they weren’t made in the US and that’s good enough for me. These movies were all great, and if you haven’t seen them, do yourself a favor and make it happen.

  • Attack the Block– this is a fantastic movie from England about an alien invasion, and some street punks that deal with it. It has the same kind of feel as Super 8 with about a tenth of the budget, yet was a better film. It also was Nick Frost’s best work of the year.
  • Hanna– Saorise Ronan was a tour de force in this film, running around, kicking ass, and not even bothering to take names, because that would have distracted her from her ass kicking. The fairy tale symbolism was well done, Cate Blanchett and Eric Bana were great, and the soundtrack really worked to enhance the action.
  • The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence– it was everything you could want from a movie like this. Gross, creepy, and fun as hell. If you like shocking horror movies, it’s the most shocking thing you’ll ever see…until part 3 comes out.
  • Troll Hunter– I was obsessed with this movie after I saw it last summer. I think I must have told at least 100 people about it in person. Great effects, great story, and the trolls were amazing. It’s the best thing to come out of Norway since Edvard Grieg’s Peer Gynt Suite. I realize it was released in Norway in 2010, but it didn’t come out here until 2011, so screw it- it’s eligible.

The winner is…

Troll Hunter. This was a VERY tough decision, but I just loved those damn trolls! Maybe it’s because I do so much trolling on the Internet?

Best Movie
We’re on to the second most important award- what was the best movie of all 2011? I was lucky to see many good ones, so here are the nominees. You should see all of these if you haven’t, they’re all worthy of lots of praise.

  • Bridesmaids– the funniest movie of the year was one that I had little expectations for. Great casting, great acting, great writing, and great editing made this a laugh riot from beginning to end. 
  • Drive– A fantastic film that reminded me greatly of David Mamet’s Heist. Albert Brooks and Ron Perlman nearly stole the show for me, and Bryan Cranston showed once again that he’s the rare actor that can do both comedy and drama well.
  • Moneyball– a baseball movie that works even for non-baseball fans. I wasn’t sure how a movie about stat-heads turning the game upside down would work, but it does. You don’t have to like the game to enjoy a great underdog story.
  • Tabloid– as with all Errol Morris documentaries, strange people make for great films. He examines the life of a seemingly ordinary woman that became fodder for tabloids not once, not twice, not three times, but four times. Did she kidnap and rape her lover, or was it all consensual and he was brainwashed by the Mormon church? We’ll probably never know, but watch Tabloid and have fun speculating.
  • Troll Hunter– this film surprised me. All I knew going in was that it was about trolls being hunted. The visuals were awesome. The story was great. The “found footage” concept was done better in this movie than in any other I’ve ever seen. It was the most pleasant surprise I’ve had at a movie theater in years.

The winner is…

Tabloid. Errol Morris did it again. He’s the world’s greatest living filmmaker who just happens to choose to work in the genre of documentaries. You should watch everything he’s made.

Worst Movie
And now the one you’ve all been waiting for. What is the worst movie that I saw all year? Sadly, there were far too many worthy contenders for this crown, but I managed to pare it down to these five worthless wastes of time.

  • Bucky Larson– when you’re friends with Adam Sandler, sometimes you get to make your own movie. Apparently, you also get to make your own movie without anyone reading the script to see if it would be funny or worth making. I saw this in a nearly empty theater, and it should have had one more empty seat- the one I was sitting in.
  • Green Lantern– what do you get when you combine bad actors, terrible special effects, and a bad script? A snoozefest that has Blake Lively looking hot and no other reason to stay awake. Can we stop pretending that Ryan Reynolds is an A-list actor now?
  • Jack and Jill– Adam Sandler continues his run of awful movies with this steaming pile of garbage. Howard Stern has commented on him, and he really makes a great point. Adam Sandler is vastly UNDERPAID as an actor, despite making almost $30 million a film now. Anyone can make good movies and have people show up to see them, but Adam Sandler spits out crappy film after crappy film and audiences still show up!
  • New Year’s Eve– this movie shows that Gary Marshall is no Robert Altman. It takes a special talent as a filmmaker to juggle multiple storylines that begin to intersect as the film goes along…and he simply doesn’t have it. I’m still angry with Stephen Glickman for making me see it, but I lost a bet, so I had to. By the way, I think I hate Stephen Glickman now.
  • Transformers 3– it was so bad that I walked out and demanded my money back. All I wanted to see were cool looking robots and a hot chick. The hot chick was there- but no cool looking robots were anywhere to be found in the 45 minutes I made it through. This movie managed to make Dr. Ken Joeng be unfunny. That’s very difficult to do; too bad that’s not what they were going for. Michael Bay, you’re a terrible filmmaker. Just stop it.

The winner is…

Bucky Larson. It took me a few days to really figure out what deserved to be called the worst movie of the year, but when it came right down to it, watching Bucky Larson was the worst two hours I spent in 2011.

This concludes the 1st Annual Matty Awards- I sincerely hope I don’t need to have a Worst Movie category next year, but I think we all know I’m going to. Thanks for indulging me by reading this!