That’s probably what they should have called it, since I almost fell asleep a few times watching this muddy mess of a movie. (Yes, I like alliteration- deal with it). Things that were bad: the story, dialog, special effects, and 3D effects. Things that were OK: most of the acting, costumes, and sets. Things that were good: Kate Beckinsale being hot. That’s really all you need to know, but here’s my recap of the film for you.
Pages 1-15 of the script- Explosion, explosion, explosion, bloody corpse, explosion, Kate Beckinsale looking really hot, explosion, explosion, bloody corpse, underwater explosion.
Cut to…beautiful vampire in a lab:
“I’m beautiful, and I’m a vampire. I’m going to kill a bunch of scientists and security guards now, looking really hot while I do it. Lucky for me, they’ve left all of my equipment from the last movie in the same room as my body that’s been kept in stasis for the past 12 years. I look really beautiful in this outfit, don’t I?”
Explosion, bloody corpse, explosion, running beautiful vampire, explosion.
Cut to…handsome detective with handsome Jr. detective:
“I’m handsome, and I’m a detective.”
“I’m also handsome, and I’m your Jr. detective. I’m disagreeing with you now.”
“Thank you, handsome Jr. detective. Now do what I say and go away for the rest of the movie. By the way, we’re both really handsome, aren’t we?”
Cut to…beautiful vampire in a back alley:
“I’m still beautiful, even after killing 50 people on my way out of that lab and running everywhere. What’s that?”
A handsome vampire appears.
“I’m handsome. And I’m a vampire, let’s hang out.”
“Wait, there’s another here. I have the power of the force and can sense it, even though we’re not going to call it that because we don’t want to get sued by George Lucas.”
“Let’s run, because nobody walks anywhere in this movie.”
Cut to…girl vampire/werewolf hybrid being attacked by werewolves:
Explosion, bloody corpse, running, beautiful vampire looking hot, handsome vampire being handsome, hot-wiring a 1970s era crappy van, explosion, bad driving, werewolves jumping on cars, explosion, girl tearing werewolf in half, explosion.
“You’re my mother”
“I don’t care. I’m a beautiful vampire and I only care about looking hot and trying to find your father.”
Cut to…vampire sanctuary:
“I’m handsome, and I’m a vampire. We’ll be safe here.”
“I’m beautiful, and I agree. Let’s go inside.”
“I’m an old man vampire, and I want you out!”
“I’m beautiful, and I agree. I’ll get out when the girl is ready.”
“Oh no, a werewolf attack!”
Explosion, werewolf fighting, explosion, beautiful vampire killing werewolves, giant werewolf kicks everyone’s ass, explosion.
“I’m an old man, and we’re lucky that werewolf just decided to leave with the girl after he kicked everyone’s ass, since he could just come back and kill us all right now while we’re weakened. And my handsome son is dead- I blame you, beautiful vampire!”
“I’m beautiful, and look, I’m going to heal your son by cutting him open and bleeding inside him, then squeezing his heart!”
Cut to: Parking garage:
“I’m handsome, and I’m a good detective, despite not investigating the 50 car crashes and hundreds of deaths that have occurred in the last 12 hours with myriad sightings of vampires and werewolves. They’re extinct, no way they exist!”
“I’m a beautiful vampire, and I need your help, handsome detective. Let’s combine our powers of beauty and handsome-ness and kill all the werewolves!”
Cut to: Laboratory
“I’m beautiful, let me in your laboratory. OK, fine, I’ll just kill everyone if you won’t.”
Explosion, explosion, gunfire, explosion, then…
“I’m an older man that runs this lab. And I’ve secretly been a werewolf this entire time! What a shocking twist! I bet you’re really surprised. We’re all werewolves! You thought we were extinct, but we’re not, we’re just doing research to develop immunity to silver.”
Explosion, beautiful vampire kills dozens of werewolves, older werewolf attempts surgery on girl hybrid, explosion, explosion, girl and older werewolf fight in parking garage, beautiful vampire fights giant werewolf, explosion, explosion, clever use of a grenade inside a giant werewolf, explosion, girl hybrid turns into Linda Blair in the Exorcist, explosion, handsome vampire, handsome detective, and beautiful vampire save the day. Explosion.
The End.
P.S. Did I mention that the detective and vampire men were all handsome, and that the vampire woman was really beautiful? Explosion.
I just saved you $12, $15 if you were going to see this crap in 3-D. You can PayPal that to me instead.
I’ll rate this movie on a scale of beauty, from Janet Reno at the bottom end to Ashley Tisdale at the top. This movie is a Camilla Parker-Bowles. Stay away.
