OK, I haven’t blogged in far too long. To make amends, here is my comprehensive list of the 10 coolest characters in movie history:

10) Pinhead
Sure, lots of people will say that Jason, Freddy, Leatherface, Mike Myers, or even Chuckie are cooler. Well, they are all wrong. Pinhead was a different sort of horror villan- not some smartass or random psychopath. The only 2 horror villans almost as cool as him are the Tall Man from Phantasm and the one I have as number 3 this list.

9) Animal
What’s cooler than a red hairy creature that just likes to bang on the drum all day? He represented everything I ever wanted to be as a drummer. Wild, crazy, very talented, put up with no one’s shit. He was Keith Moon, John Bonham, and Bill Ward all rolled into one. Well, those guys crossed with a Fry Guy. I couldn’t find any good clips from the Muppet Movies, so I grabbed these from the TV show.

8) Salicious Crumb
If you ask someone their favorite Star Wars character, you’ll get one of three answers most likely:
Boba Fett
Darth Vader
Not me. They are all cool, but for my money, the best was Salicious Crumb. He tormented C3PO (the first gay robot), sexually harrassed Leia, and probably banged that dancing girl with sausages on her head.

7) Otto
What’s the best scene in Airplane? Perhaps it’s, “Guess I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue.” Maybe, “Have you ever seen a grown man naked?” I’d even put up with an argument for, “Chump don’t want ‘da help, chump don’t get ‘da help.” But my money is on the Otto Pilot scene. What beats an inanimate object getting blown by the heroine of the movie? Nothing, that’s what.

6) Golgo 13
Don’t know who he is? He’s the man James Bond wishes he was. He could blow away Tom Berenger in Sniper. Agent 47 from the Hitman games can’t even hold his jock. What do we know about Golgo 13? Nothing. He just shows up, kills someone, and goes on his way, probably to go be the ruler of Badassland.

5) Randal
When I saw Clerks in the theater in 1994, I went because I saw a review of it on Siskel and Ebert and the Movies. While watching the film, I noticed Kim Loughran looked familiar. She played the sister of someone Dante and Randal went to high school with. Then I realized why she looked familiar- she was engaged to Rocky, who lived upstairs from me at Carnegie Mellon University. Who gives a fuck? Well, Rocky was an asian design major. It turns out Kim was Kevin Smith’s ex-gf, who was the inspiration for the Caitlyn character. None of this matters, however- I just like that story. All I remember thinking when I came out of the theater is that Randal was the most profound man I had ever seen on the screen. Watch below for a sample of his brilliance.

4) Mr. Pink
The only movie I owned on VHS when I was in college was reservoir Dogs. I watched it at least once a week for a year and a half. I used to know the movie completely by heart. The greatest fun I had with that knowledge was reciting Mr. Pink’s reasons why he doesn’t tip. Well, that and Mr. Brown talking about Like a Virgin being all about big dicks.

3) Zombies
When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth.

I can’t pick one of these zombies as being the best- they’re all so great. (I guess if I had to choose, I’d pick Flyboy when he turned.) These are, of course, the zombies from George A. Romero’s Dawn of the Dead. Not the stupid fast ones from the shitty remake. These zombies are slow, have cheesy looking makeup, and ate real pig guts in the scene below. Why people have tried to reinvent zombies is beyond me. Any movie where zombies run is a piece of shit, end of story. They are slow, dumb, and cheesy. And that’s why they’re number 3 on this list.

2) Beavis as Cornholio
He was the dumber of the two in Beavis and Butthead, and in a fit of sugar high morphed into greatness. Cornholio appeared many times, and even popped up on an airplane in the film version of Beavis and Butthead. You can watch that below, as well as the first appearance of Cornholio on TV. Mike Judge for president.

1) Roger Thornhill
What can even come close to the coolest actor of all time in the coolest movie of all time? Cary Grant just oozed cool from every pore. If I could be someone else, that’s who I’d be. He would look at a woman and her panties would be instantly on the floor. If you want to see one of Hitchcocks best cameos, watch the 2nd video to the end. Poor guy can’t catch a bus- is that any way to treat the best. director. ever.?