I’m convinced that Natalie Portman either cannot read, or refuses to do so, since it seems that instead of reading scripts, she’ll take any movie she’s offered these days. If I wasn’t a Star Wars fanboy, I’d say that the last good movie she was in was Beautiful Girls, when she was 14.

The latest piece of crap that she’s chosen to appear in is Thor, which is possibly the least exciting movie filled with explosions and special effects I’ve ever seen. While the effects are good, there’s nothing that really gives the viewer any excitement. Remember that sense of awe and wonder you felt when you saw the floating mountains in Avatar? Yeah, you’re not going to experience that watching Thor. You can tell they were aiming for that with Asgard, but the giant palace looks like it was pieced together from leftover parts when they made the pipe organ at Disney Hall. In short, I was underwhelmed.

Thor asks viewers to believe that Norse mythology is all real, and that humanity just didn’t have the scientific knowledge to understand what was going on in the 800s. If that’s the case, however, the writers of this film have decided that Loki was evil instead of just a prankster, as I’ve always read him being described.

The story is pretty simple- Thor comes to Earth and is discovered by Natalie Portman, a bunch of mumbo jumbo and pseudo-scientific terms are thrown about, you see the back story on why he’s on Earth, then a group that would look at home at the Renaissance Faire shows up trying to help bring him back to Asgard. Loki decides to send the Norse Voltron (which looks just like the beast seen on every Dio album cover I own) after him, and he eventually mismanages the firefight. He should have asked Obama how to manage a strike team remotely, since he knows when to go for the kill and when to let someone off. Loki’s battle tactics are those of a Bond villain- get the hero in a helpless situation involving a complex piece of machinery, then instead of killing them, you let them escape due to the need to explain your motivation.

In this movie, Natalie Portman couldn’t have had less chemistry with Thor- if she found him attractive for any reason other than his physique, then she’s the dumbest astrophysicist to ever look through a telescope. Simon Pegg and the alien had more chemistry in Paul.

The dialogue was clunky at best, and you can tell the writers gave up trying to show anything and just went with verbal exposition at times. A few specific nits that I have to pick with this film are:

  • The movie is set in New Mexico, and stars the incredibly hot Natalie Portman. You’d figure New Mexico’s weather would allow you to put her in a tank top, shorts, etc. But they decided to set it IN THE WINTER, so she’s covered up in flannel, coats, scarves, etc. You hired her, show her off, damn it!
  • The character development is non-existant. The only change Thor goes through is about what you’d expect a 6 year old to experience when told they can’t play with their favorite toy. He’s just an overgrown brat.
  • Thor is simply the white Hulk. Grrr, Thor angry! Thor smash! Yawn.
  • The humor is incredibly forced. You can tell where they thought they were being funny (such as smashing the coffee mug on the ground, or when they make a Facebook reference). There are only two real moments of humor- the Stan Lee cameo and a joke about what Thor’s friends look like.
  • Much like how Akira is going to be terrible because they are casting white people in the roles that should be played by Asians, I don’t think an Asian actor fits in as a Norse god.
To sum this all up, skip Thor, you’d be better off spending your time and money on The Beaver. While I haven’t seen it yet, the mere thought of seeing Mel Gibson talk to a beaver puppet on his hand for an hour and a half is more entertaining than anything I saw in Thor.
If you need to read a review that ends up rating a movie on a scale, I’ll rate this on the frequency of lightning strikes in various parts of the world. The below image shows that the Congo receives the greatest number of lightning strikes each year.
Thor is about as electric as Tierra del Fuego.