I’ve only walked out on two movies in my lifetime- the first was Spike Lee’s Crooklyn, which until Tuesday night was the worst film I’d ever seen (most of) in a theater. Now I can unequivocally state that Transformers: Dark of the Moon has replaced it. This review only applies to the first 40 minutes of the movie, because that’s all I could take before I left. I don’t think they suddenly flipped the switch from bad to good after I walked out of the theater, so this is probably a decent assessment of the entire body of work.

We can wrap up the race for Golden Razzies- Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a lock for worst picture, worst actress, worst actor, worst screenplay, worst director, and whatever categories they make up to be able to heap the proper amount of scorn on this cinematic crapfest. This movie is a jumbled mess of action scenes that make no sense, graphics that look as if my Xbox 360 is rendering them in real time, bad performances from talented people, and oh yeah- a really hot chick in skanky clothes. So I guess it’s not ALL bad.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley was fun to look at, and Michael Bay does make sure you get to see lots of her in her underwear and tight dresses, which is the one redeeming quality I found in this movie. Her acting skills, however, make Megan Fox seem like Meryl Streep. The chemistry between her and Shia LaBeouf is non-existent. This is puzzling, since in real life he could probably pick her up at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show, being the star of two of the top grossing films of all time. But on screen I didn’t believe her interest in him for a nanosecond.
Everyone remembers the scene in Forrest Gump where Tom Hanks met Nixon- that movie came out 17 years ago, so we’ve had technology to realistically depict presidents on film for almost a full generation. In this movie, they have actors portray JFK, Nixon, and Obama that look NOTHING like their real world counterparts. It’s as if they didn’t even try to find decent impersonators. I could drive to Hollywood Boulevard right now and find a better Obama impersonator taking photos with tourists; give me 30 minutes and a Craig’s List ad and I’ll get you a better Kennedy and Nixon, too.
Maybe they skimped on the presidents, and spent all that money making the Transformers look amazing- oh wait, they looked like crap the entire time. All I expected from the movie was to watch it on IMAX and witness some neat 3D effects with giant robots that look cool. This movie couldn’t even deliver on those pathetically low expectations. Everything about the effects was bland- I’ve played videogames with better looking graphics.
I did learn something watching this movie when they go find a transformer that has laid dormant on the moon for 60 years. Giant alien Rip Van Winklebots apparently age, get wrinkles, and grow odd bits of hair shaped metal parts. I wonder if I were to go exhume some of my old Transformers from a box in my parents garage if they all have beards and long fingernails.
I won’t even get started on the mess that they called a script for this picture. It’s as if Michael Bay just took a bunch of footage he shot and threw it together at random, à la Mister Brainwash in Exit Through the Gift Shop. Characters talked to each other in random phrases; many sentences made no sense at all. There was a (non-action) scene that appeared to be just random words being shouted at one another. I understood more of the words being spoken in Troll Hunter, and that movie was in Norwegian.
There are some very talented actors in this movie- Most notably Frances McDormand and John Malkovich, who I can only assume wanted an easy payday. They’ll be getting some hefty residuals for a long time from this one. Some of the others in the cast that I normally enjoy seeing on screen are Patrick Dempsey, Shia LaBeouf (he’s great in Holes and the first Transformers), and Ken Jeong, who is terribly misused.
How do you screw up Dr. Ken in a movie? He was a fantastic stand-up comedian, is the highlight of the first Hangover movie, had the best part in Knocked Up, and is always fun to watch. He plays a creepy scientist that is in league with the Decepticons, and was in general unpleasant to see on screen. Also, they took his pants off, which must just now be his thing. When you’re hung like a hamster, maybe you should stop showing that off to the entire world. (A quick side note, he’s now been in films that have grossed over $1 billion in the US, and $2 billion worldwide- is he now the most bankable actor in Hollywood?)
There’s a cameo from the real Buzz Aldrin, who speaks to the Autobots and informs them of the real reason behind the Apollo missions. This leads to him saying to Optimus Prime that he is a hero, and Optimus Prime replying that he feels Buzz Aldrin was a hero. Really? A guy that flew to the moon and was in space a handful of times is a hero to a giant alien robot that traveled light years to get to Earth, saved the human race, and is now pissed that NASA hid information from them? Buzz Aldrin is a hero to me, but I don’t buy that Optimus Prime gives two shits about him.
I believe that Spielberg gave lots of input on the first movie in this series, which was a really fun cheesy action flick. He must have been spending all his time with JJ Abrams on Super 8 while Transformers: Dark of the Moon was being made, because I would assume that he would point out that the title should at least be fixed to say Dark Side of the Moon, which would not only make more sense, it would snap a few Pink Floyd fans out of their permanent acid trips long enough to take their grandchildren to see your stupid movie.
An extra suffered permanent brain damage in an accident on the set during filming in Chicago. Which is convenient, since the apparent target audience of this picture is people with brain damage. If you have not suffered a traumatic head injury and you enjoyed this movie, there’s a good chance you took a really short bus to school.
If you disagree with my review of this movie, please, stop following me on Twitter, unfriend me on Facebook, remove me from your Google+ circles, and forget you know me. We clearly should not be friends, because I’m just going to make fun of your paper hat when I walk into Burger King.

(This is the original, Family Guy was just paying homage this video when they had Peter Griffin do it.)
I won’t even bother rating this on a scale, since you pretty much know what I think at this point. DON’T WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THIS CRAP. Clear enough, right?