First of all, while writing this I may have to step away to head to the bathroom, but that’s because I’ve consumed about a half gallon of iced tea in the last 2 hours.  While the caffeine seems to have little affect on me (if any), I do feel like I’m Ogre at the beginning of Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise where he pees for about 5 minutes to open the film.  What, not everyone remembers that as clearly as I do?  That’s right, I’m like a low-brow Dennis Miller, dropping references to pop culture that only I seem to remember.

At any rate, I recently signed on to, a site that (allegedly) measures your influence through social media.  I’m pleased to report that I have the highest Klout score of any Matt Walker.  So while I’m ranked #6 on Twitter, I’m #1 on Klout.  I found the list of topics that they say I have influence about to be interesting, since according to Klout I’m most influential about:

  • money
  • bars
  • oakland raiders
  • photography
  • courtney love
  • orange juice
  • earthquakes
  • dogs
  • movies
  • ontario

So please allow me to influence you, dear reader, about each of these.

Money– Save it.  Don’t put it in the hands of anyone on wall street.  Take it to Vegas, and always hit on 16 if the dealer is showing a 7 or higher.
Bars– Go to them, but don’t drive if drinking or you’ll end up behind them.
Oakland Raiders– Be a fan, paint your face, and don’t get caught when shanking Bronco fans.  This is the year we turn it all around and become an NFL powerhouse.  Please note that I say this every year.
Photography– take pictures, post them on Facebook, but don’t expect anyone to care about them.  99.9999% of the time they’re not interesting.
Courtney Love– she was more talented than her husband.  Seriously, Hole was better than Nirvana.  And she was a stripper, what’s not to love (pun intended)?
Orange Juice– it should have pulp.  Lots of pulp.  I like to drink mine with a fork. It’s also best when consumed at 4 AM while eating 5 fresh donuts from Winchell’s.  Yes, I know this from experience.
Earthquakes– they’re not that big of a deal.  They happen all over the world, all the time.  Just keep shoes near your bed, and don’t go running around while the shaking is going on.
Dogs– they’re cute, but dumb.  Cats are smarter, but evil.  My advice?  Get a rabbit- it’s smarter than a dog, but won’t scheme ways to kill you like a cat will.
Movies– read my reviews.  Don’t trust those of anyone else unless they’re named “Ebert”.
Ontario– don’t go there.  It sucks.  I mean Ontario, California, I don’t have much of an opinion on the Canadian Ontario.

Consider yourself influenced.

P.S. I don’t know anything about Clout Magazine, but that’s a pretty cool cover.