Welcome back to the 1st Annual Matty Awards! If you missed Part 1, you can read that here. If you’re curious about eligibility requirements for these awards, the click that link to go read Part 1. Or this one. Just go read Part 1, OK?

Now, without further ado, here is Part 2 of the Matty Awards.

Now that we’ve honored the visuals in film for 2011 (and yes, I consider the hottest chick categories part of the visuals in film) we’ll move on to recognizing performers. First up…

Creepiest Guy
There were many guys in movies this year that were just plain creepy. That’s not a surprise. What is a surprise is that many of them weren’t intended to be creepy, they just were. The nominees are:

  • Steve Coogan- Our Idiot Brother– the worst moment in a lousy movie was seeing this middle-aged pudgy Brit fully naked, bent over. That image will haunt you for weeks if you see it.
  • Eugenio Derbez- Jack and Jill– one might expect a comedy to focus on being funny, but apparently that’s not what Adam Sandler likes to do in his movies. Instead he has a propensity to show creepy guys doing creepy things, expecting his audience to laugh. And any man that is wooing Adam Sandler in drag is creepy. Then when you see that same actor in drag playing an old woman, that’s icing on the creepy cake.
  • Nick Frost- Paul– I’m a big fan of Nick Frost, but seeing him in a wife-beater is not a good look. I could have done without that.
  • Laurence R. Harvey- The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence– he’s fantastic playing Martin in this movie. It really was a tour de force performance, and considering that he never says a word and it’s in black and white, that’s almost the same thing as The Artist, right?
  • Ken Jeong- Hangover 2– I could have also nominated Dr. Ken for his role in Transformers 3. He’s a damn good actor, and brings a lot of humor to Chow in the Hangover movies. He also seems to not be able to keep his clothes on in a movie, and is hung like a hamster. I wish I didn’t know that.
  • Mike O’Connell- Bucky Larson– the three other persons in America that saw this movie must agree with me, the group masturbation scene at the beginning was rather gross. And Mike O’Connell is the only one I remember the name of from that scene.
  • John C. Reilly- Cedar Rapids– not enough of you saw Cedar Rapids. It was an excellent movie, and I highly recommend it. John C. Reilly did his thing in it, which is being a greasy headed creepy funny guy. I almost didn’t include this nomination, since it’s the first time I’ve ever liked him in a movie…but he’s still creepy.
  • Adam Sandler- Jack and Jill– I can’t decide if he should be nominated for playing Jack or Jill. Jill is the obvious choice, but any man that would marry Katie Holmes (as Jack in this movie had done) clearly is a creeper.

The winner is…

Laurence R. Harvey. This was the biggest shoe in of any awards show, ever. He’s probably the creepiest man to ever appear in a movie, stealing that title from the great Peter Lorre. That is what made The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence so fun to watch.

Most Annoying Woman
2011 had no shortage of annoying women on screen. It was hard to decide who to nominate for this category, so I just went with the ones that were so annoying they immediately came to mind when I thought about who really irritated me this year. I left off Miss Piggy even though I’ve never liked her, but the judging committee ultimately decided that a pig puppet doesn’t qualify. Yes, the judging committee is named Matt Walker.

  • Emily Blunt- The Adjustment Bureau– she threw off the whole concept of the movie. We’re asked to believe that any man would throw away being destined to become ruler of the free world for an irritating pain in the ass that screws with your ego and was going to marry someone else?
  • Cameron Diaz- Bad Teacher– she wasn’t the hottest woman in a movie that’s supposed to be all about her being hot. She’s obnoxious, treats the men around her badly, and is a gold digger. Not a good character to have as the heroine of a movie.
  • Michelle Pfeiffer- New Year’s Eve– I just wanted her to shut up. It;s bad enough that this formerly stunning woman has hit the wall, but to be incredibly irritating as well?
  • Adam Sandler- Jack and Jill– Jill in this movie was one of the worst characters I’ve ever seen. Yes, I decided that a pig puppet doesn’t qualify, but a man does. Deal with it.
  • David Spade- Jack and Jill– his cross dressing role at the end of the film was possibly more annoying than Sandler’s. The only redeeming quality was that it was mercifully short.
  • Kristin Wigg- Paul– I loved Kristin Wigg in Bridesmaids, but her role in Paul was awful. Her character was one of the worst things in the entire movie.

The winner is…

Michelle Pfeiffer. This former beauty queen now has the distinction of being the most obnoxious, irritating, and asexual woman in any movie I saw in all of 2011. Um, congratulations?

Guy I Most Want to Punch in the Face
Much like there was no shortage of women I found annoying, there was a plethora of guys in movies that make me want to punch them in the face. All but one of these nominations are for guys I would like to smack in real life because the actors are annoying, but one is someone I normally like when I see, just stuck in an awful role. Fans of Michael Cera and Jesse Eisenberg can rest easy, I didn’t see them in any movies this year.

  • Joseph Gordon-Levitt- Hesher– I normally like him when I see him in things, but his role as an alcoholic homeless cable guy was so irritating that I almost made a scene when this piece of crap was over. I don’t blame the actor, I blame the writer and director.
  • Ashton Kutcher- No Strings Attached– this almost goes without saying, and he could have been nominated for New Year’s Eve as well. He’s a douchebag in real life, and on screen in this movie he’s such a tool that you have to wonder why Natalie Portman would want him, when she could just go make out with Mila Kunis some more.
  • Justin Timberlake- Bad Teacher– it’s time to stop pretending that Justin Timberlake is talented and funny. He’s not either talented OR funny. “Can’t act, can’t sing, can dance a little.” That’s what they said about Fred Astaire, and he was talented. About Justin? I say- “Shouldn’t breathe, just go away please.”
  • Owen Wilson- Hall Pass– “I’m Owen Wilson and I have an annoying whiny nasally voice. I have a weird looking crooked nose that’s distracting to watch, and though this may seem impossible, I’m even worse looking than my brother Luke. I should kiss Jackie Chan’s ass every time I see him for allowing me to make one good movie.” That’s what I think was going through his head when filming this garbage.
  • Owen Wilson- Midnight in Paris– “I’m Woody Allen, so I’ll hire someone to play me that is about as annoying as I am. Then I’ll put him in a movie where NOTHING HAPPENS for the first half hour. It’s good to be me, I can crank out garbage and still get Oscar nominations despite casting goofy looking losers in the lead role. Nobody actually believes Owen Wilson could get either of the hot chicks he’s with in this movie, but hey- nobody thought I would bang my ex-wife’s adopted daughter, either!” That’s what I think was going through Woody Allen’s head when making this craptastic movie.
  • Owen Wilson- Real Life– I just really want to punch Owen Wilson in the face. Maybe I can hit his nose just right so that it goes back to being straight.
  • Rainn Wilson- Hesher– this was a bad role in a bad movie played by a bad actor. If a homeless guy bullies your kid into forcing you to let hi live in your garage, do you call the police? Of course YOU do, but Rainn Wilson doesn’t.

The winner is…

Justin Timberlake. If his utter lack of talent and irritating demeanor isn’t enough, he was trying to play a nerd in Bad Teacher. That’s where I draw the line. He’s not allowed to do that with his zero level of nerd credibility. Justin Timberlake’s face, meet my fist. Someday I want that to happen.

Guy I Most Want to Have a Beer With
On the other end of the spectrum are guys who are cool- they just seem like a lot of fun to hang out with, and I would gladly buy any of these nominees a beer. Who says I never say anything nice about men in films?

  • Colin Farrell- Fright Night– he’s great as a vampire in this movie, and it served as a nice counterpoint to his role in Horrible Bosses.
  • Bradley Cooper- Limitless– this was a great movie that came out too early in the year. It was great to see him in the first good movie Robert De Niro has been in in a decade.
  • Eric Stonestreet- Bad Teacher – on TV he’s the most effeminate man that’s been seen since Paul Lynde was the center square and Charles Nelson Reilley was sitting next to Brett Somers on Match Game 77. In this movie he’s a tough guy biker. That, my friends, is range. And he’s a big Howard Stern fan, what’s not to like?
  • Simon Pegg- Paul– he always plays the same character, so Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol would also be an acceptable movie to nominate him for. Who doesn’t want to hang out with Shaun from Shaun of the Dead?
  • Animal- The Muppets– he would be great fun, though I do admit the conversation might be a little lacking.
  • Waldorf and Statler- The Muppets– these guys are basically me in old man puppet form. So it is possible there will be a bit too much assholery for some. But I can never get enough of me, so let’s hang out!

The winner is…

Bradley Cooper. His character in Limitless is one of the most badass I’ve ever seen. He uses his mind to strategize around problems like no one ever has before, and when all else fails, to quickly learn techniques that allow him to kick your ass. He’s like Neo in the Matrix without the sunglasses and horrible acting.

Stay Tuned…
This ends Part 2 of the Matty Awards. Coming soon will be Part 3, with the awards for Worst Career Decision, Best Foreign Film, Best Movie, and Worst Movie. I’m sure you can’t wait!