Since I have developed a “fan base” of adolescents and young adults, I’m going to try to influence them. This post is the first in a series with advice I’ll be giving about things that will help make their lives better. If you’re over 25, you probably know these things already, but pass it on to a teenager that doesn’t.

Smart Advice from a Smartass

Don’t Get Pregnant
Allow me to repeat that again. Don’t get pregnant. In case you missed it, DON’T GET PREGNANT!!!!!

I say this as a 37 year old man that has no children. If you’re a teenager, don’t do it. You will be sending your life in a direction from which there is no return. This isn’t to say that having children is never a good idea- but don’t do it now. You have many, many, many years of possible childbearing ahead of you, so take your time. Wait until you’re set financially and emotionally and your child will have a much better life than if you start popping out babies at an early age.

There are many ways to prevent yourself from getting pregnant. Here are just a few:

  1. Don’t have sex– sure, abstinence isn’t much fun, but it’s the only way to be 100% sure you don’t end up with a baby. If you’re a guy and a giant nerd, this will be the easiest course of action.
  2. If you’re a boy, wear a condom– you should be doing so anyway to make sure you don’t get the herps or other gross things, but a child is sexually transmitted and will take you 18 years to get rid of. You can’t take penicillin to have kid clear up. Don’t trust the girl you’re with to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant- teenage girls are crazy. Just watch Maury sometime and you’ll see girls that WANTED babies and LIED to get themselves knocked up.
  3. If you’re a girl, get on the pill– find a Planned Parenthood nearby and they’ll get you hooked up without having to tell your mom and dad that you want to start putting out. 
  4. If you’re a girl, get some other birth control– from the sponge, to the patch, to the shot, to the IOU- err, IUD, there are many other forms of birth control. Use one of them, whatever it is. But don’t put out without some form of birth control! Again, Planned Parenthood can help, as can health centers at many colleges and some high schools.
  5. Be gay– you can’t have a baby from gay sex, which really seems to me to be one of the biggest advantages. But you can’t just decide someday to do this, you either are or you aren’t. 

You know what doesn’t work? Pulling out- you’re dealing with teenage boys; they have no control, so it’s not even going to happen. You can get pregnant just from the first fluids that come out, so it’s not worth the risk.

Morning after pills can be used in an emergency situation to prevent conception, but if you’re relying on them  as your regular birth control, you’re an idiot. Let me repeat this and make it loud and clear- YOU’RE AN IDIOT IF YOU RELY ON MORNING AFTER PILLS OR PULLING OUT AS YOUR PRIMARY BIRTH CONTROL.

What to do?
Let’s say that you either ignored my advice or are reading this after it’s too late. If you’re the guy in this situation, you just have to be supportive, and get a damn job. Sorry, but you ruined your life for 30 seconds of fun. If you’re the girl, you have a decision to make- you can:

  1. Have your pregnancy terminated– whether you personally believe that life begins at conception, at birth, in the instant some dude pops, or like me, that life begins at age 18, abortions are legal in the US. Unfortunately, many states are making them difficult to obtain, and are trying to shame women into embarrassing situations or subject them to invasive medical procedures as a prerequisite. But think of it like this- the brief embarrassment or invasive procedure is a hell of a lot shorter and easier than 18 years of raising a kid you’re not prepared to handle. And I don’t care what you’re telling yourself, you’re not prepared to raise a child.
  2. Give birth and give the baby up for adoption– you may have moral objections to having an abortion, but you can give the baby up for adoption. I’d recommend finding a lawyer that can broker a private adoption for you. You can sell your baby for a lot of money- OK, you can get a lot of money for “medical expenses”, since selling a baby isn’t legal. But we all know what that means.You can also negotiate the ability to see the child and possibly have contact with it through its life, while a normal adoption will almost certainly preclude this. But I say make the best of a bad situation, and at least get paid for the abuse you’re about to put your body through.
  3. Give birth and raise the baby– this is the worst possible scenario for the kid and for both parents. As a teen, you’re not prepared to raise a child. You have yet to be raised yourself, as is evident by your inability to avoid getting pregnant, so you’re not going to give the child the best chance at a good life. For the sake of the kid and yourself, I strongly urge you to choose option 1 or 2.
So, in short, don’t get pregnant. Try just having a nice life, you don’t need to muck it all up by having a baby while you’re still a teen.